Acts of Desperation - Megan Nolan

"In the first scene of this provocative gut-punch of a novel, our
unnamed narrator meets a magnetic writer named Ciaran and falls, against her better judgment, completely in his power. After a brief, all-consuming romance he abruptly rejects her, sending her into a tailspin of jealous obsession and longing. If he ever comes back to her, she resolves to hang onto him and his love at all costs, even if it destroys her…

Part breathless confession, part lucid critique, Acts of Desperation renders a consciousness split between rebellion and submission, between escaping degradation and eroticizing it, and between loving and being lovable. With unsettling, electric precision, Nolan dissects one of life’s most elusive mysteries: Why do we want what we want, and how do we want it?

Heralding the arrival of a stunning new literary talent, Acts of Desperation interrogates the nature of fantasy, desire, and power, challenging us to reckon honestly with our own insatiability."

I must be honest, I find the blurb of this book to be quite misleading in terms of the tone of this book. This is not a book about a delusional and obsessional woman falling in love. It is a painfully ordinary tale of a woman damaged by society who finds herself taking the love she believes she deserves. 

I believe this is what made the events of this book distressing. It wasn't outlandish violence or the strange behaviour of a masochist. It was an extraordinarily relatable story of a woman's self-destructive and desperate need to be loved, and going to awful lengths to achieve it. But lengths that aren't that out of the realms of possibility. Nothing about this story is romantic, both characters have extremely distorted visions of what love and affection are supposed to look like: we have on one hand an unnamed narrator who engages in obsessive behaviour to be loved and on the other, an incredibly cold man, Ciaran, who seems unable to provide her with even the most elementary bit of affection yet loves her attention. 

A self-destructive, unlikeable and deeply depressed protagonist with self-esteem issues through the roof, yet she is instantly familiar. Either as a friend, an acquaintance or even mirroring sides of your own personality. 

I have seen this book described as visceral, raw and dark. I must be honest I didn't find it that moving. The emotion isn't quite there, the relationship isn't fleshed out and the characters are pretty one-dimensional. I felt little to no connection to the main character, and no understanding as to her dependent connection to Ciaran. Possibly this is a "me" issue as I can't relate to the protagonist's mental issues or outlook as it is very different to my own. 

There are moments where it becomes very clear that this Nolan’s own diaries, tossed into book form with the lightest of edits. At times Nolan veers into a personal essay cul-de-sac. What differentiates a novel from an essay is that it’s specific, not general. You can make some general claims, but it has to be through the lens of a specific character’s opinions or experiences. Otherwise, it just reads like frantic space-filling, for example with not terribly original analyses of topics such as everyday sexism and diet culture. 

Overall, an interesting book to get into the mindset of someone very different from me. Do I think it is the best and most nuanced example of the writing of toxic relationships, definitely not. 

Age Rating 18+. Multiple instances of rape and dubious consent, verbal and psychological abuse and destructive behaviours.